Parker

No, nothing to do with Thunderbirds.

After being double crossed and left for dead following a daring robbery, thief and robber Parker (Jason Statham) plots his revenge.

What could have been an ingenious crime and revenge thriller is let down by the meandering plot, mediocre direction and Statham's lack of enthusiasm, as well as being outclassed by supporting actors like Nick Nolte, Michael Chiklis and Wendel Pierce, who are woefully underused. I'd like to say it's better than nothing, but it isn't. Watch something else.

The Expendables 2

I'm afraid so. The Expandables are back. Think of it as me performing a public service: I watch it so you don't have to.

How bad is it? Chuck Norris tells jokes; Jeanclaudevandamme tries desperately to be really mean, and not to laugh at the same time; Bruce Willis and Arnold try to out-badly-act each other and get beaten by Sly; everyone looks either embarrassed or bored (Jet Li was so embarrassed, he left after ten minutes). Unlike the last movie, even being teeth-grindingly awful can't save it, and it didn't work then.

I'm not saying "Don't watch it", but if you do, I did warn you.